If you haven’t read the past article on criticism (Link here), it may be helpful to get a quick refresher. If you don’t have time to read the first blog post, this semester, we are taking a deeper dive into Gottman’s Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. This month, we are digging in further on defensiveness.
Defensiveness is an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. Many times, individuals become defensive when they are being criticized. While defensiveness feels like a protective way to respond, it creates blame around your partner(s) and escalates the conflict. For example, defensiveness may look like “I’m not the problem, it’s you” in a conflict. Defensiveness is just a way to blame your partner.
So how do we challenge defensiveness? The best way is to take responsibility for even a small part of the problem. Conflict doesn’t happen inside of a vacuum, so it is crucial to take accountability. In turn, this will reduce tension, decrease escalation and helps your partner(s) to feel heard and understood.
Example, John tells his partner, Alex, "I think we should try saving money by cooking at home more often." Alex responds by noting, "Well, it's not like I'm the only one spending money. You bought those video games last week." John chooses to take responsibility and note, "You're right. I've been spending too much too. Let's work together on cutting down expenses, starting with cooking at home."
In the first example, Alex responds defensively by deflecting the suggestion and pointing out something John did. In the second example, Alex takes responsibility for their actions and agrees to work on the issue together. In conclusion, it is crucial to take responsibility in conflict to increase connection!