written by Christina Graziano, M.S.
“Toxic positivity” is not an official psychological term or diagnosis, but rather a phrase that describes a pattern of behavior that denies uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions and asserts replacing these “negative” emotions with positivity. Positivity through optimism and gratitude can be helpful for resilience, however consistently denying uncomfortable emotions can cause people to avoid processing these emotions, leading to further distress in the long run.
Toxic positivity can sound like:
- "Think more positively!"
- "Don't worry, be happy."
- "It could be worse."
- "Find the silver lining."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "Good vibes only!"
Of course, you have heard some of these phrases and have likely used them yourself. The distinction is that these well-intentioned statements turn “toxic” when they are given the wrong way at the wrong time. For instance, if someone is struggling with the loss of a loved one, responding with one of these statements sends the message that they are doing something wrong by having a natural human reaction to loss. In other words, these statements invalidate a painful situation and sends the message to the other person that they are not dealing with pain correctly.
How to practice positivity in moderation:
Listen with acceptance. Practice alternate responses to yourself and others, such as:
-
- “I’m here for you.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
- “What can I do to help /support you through this?”
- “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”
Allow uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to come and go. Get comfortable with sitting with your own and others’ uncomfortable emotions. Uncomfortable emotions serve a function, and that function is often to motivate us, prepare us, protect us, or alert us to something important. Instead of denying or avoiding these emotions, try to acknowledge them and engage in purposeful action (rather than automatic reaction). You can engage in this process through the acronym ACE:
-
- Acknowledge emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations: For example, “I am noticing feelings of anxiety and frustration. I am having the thought that I can’t do this. I can feel anxiety in my shoulders, neck, and chest. I can feel anger in the flushing of my face and the increase of my body temperature.”
- Come into the body: Even though we cannot control our emotions, we can control our bodies. How would you like to move your body while these emotions and thoughts are present? Maybe you would like to stretch your arms or legs, stand up, sit down, dig your heels into the floor, or press your hands into each other.
- Engage in your surroundings: Use your five senses to notice where you are: what do you see, hear, smell, touch, or taste in this moment, in this space?
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves redirecting your attention to the present moment through the body and five senses. There are countless ways to be mindful. Some examples include focusing on the breath, scanning the body, or mindfully listening to music by focusing on a particular instrument. Check out the free Mindfulness Coach App to help guide you into grounding in the present moment when we feel overwhelmed: https://mobile.va.gov/app/mindfulness-coach
Write out your thoughts. Suppressing emotions can increase feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame, and sadness. Journaling can be helpful to process stressful thoughts and emotions without the pressure of filtering yourself.
Additionally, if you feel you could benefit from professional counseling, contact OU HSC Counseling Services at 405-271-7336 or counselors@ouhsc.edu. To protect your confidentiality, please limit your e-mail messages to scheduling information. You can also find us in Suite 300 in the HSC Student Union Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and speak with our administrative assistant about making an appointment.