One of the first steps in engaging in difficult conversations with others is to better know and understand yourself. Often times we have something that we want to talk about and our energy pushes us to have a dialogue when we have not yet taken inventory of why we want to have the conversation, what our goal in the conversation is, what values are guiding us, and what we might expect regarding another’s response. Furthermore, conversations that cover “hot topics” around culture and diversity can be even more challenging, including conversations about racism, immigration, sexism, gender, marriage equality, gun violence, reproductive rights, classism, religious differences, ableism, marginalization, and more. All people can engage courageously and effectively on important matters critical to our collective well-being, and constructive conversations can be used by all who are willing and open to engaging regardless of your particular cultural group or political outlook. Constructive conversations do not have to be structured by a “one and done” model and most of these kinds of conversations will likely be one that involves all parties talking, listening, and communicating collaboratively sometimes over multiple occasions.

By focusing internally on factors such as our personality, emotional reactions, goals, and values, and developing useful skills from this place of self-reflection and self-understanding, we can exponentially enhance the success of difficult dialogues on culture and diversity. This in turn makes it easier to take risks, even when emotions are strong, stakes are high, and outcomes are uncertain. In order to have constructive conversations, you must be strong and brave; accept that the journey will not always be easy, and you will certainly not feel good all the time. Additionally, one must accept that not seeking constructive dialogue may in fact be a more precarious alternative. Otherwise, why would you be looking to have these kinds of conversations in the first place?

In an 8-step model called the Kim Constructive Conversations Model (KCCM) developed by Drs. Kim and Del Prado, they outline the following as imperative steps in approaching difficult conversations.

Step 1: Identify your goal

Firstly, ground yourself with something that helps to calm your mind. Examples include meditation, taking deep breaths, making yourself a cup of your favorite drink and savoring every sip, or listening to calming music. Grounding helps us to examine why we have chosen the goals that we have, which can in turn enrichen the meaning and substance of these goals. With your body and mind in a more grounded, intentional place, clearly articulate your goal for wanting to have a constructive conversation; simultaneously, consider the presence of any strong emotions that are connected to your intentions. Understanding why you wish to have a constructive conversation, including why you might be angry, afraid, or hurting, is a critically important step in developing a viable goal.

Step 2: Acknowledge the barriers to engaging in a given constructive conversation

Secondly, do we know what our individual barriers might be? It is important to lean in with a gentle curiosity to find out more about what personal hurdles might be in the way of accomplishing your goal; be real with yourself about your subjectivity, blind spots, and even your deficits. Ask yourself, is there anything about the goal I identified that is personally difficult for me? Internal barriers can include personalized thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that stop us from pursuing our chosen goals; external barriers can include social norms, and the specific person you hope to talk with. If you fail to identify them, barriers will likely win and your constructive conversation will cease to happen. Defensiveness, fatigue, avoidance, social norms, privilege, and marginalized identity are examples of barriers. It is up to you to make sure they do not have the last word.

Step 3: Address any barriers by creative a value-driven intention

What are your values? What principles do you hold that determine the righteousness of your behaviors and moral standards? Values play a critical role not only in guiding our behaviors, but also in directing us to the right decisions at important crossroads in our lives; they serve to anchor us to something important. Furthermore, our values remind us to pause, breathe, and reconnect with our true intentions, and believe we can and will survive regardless of the outcome. Some examples of values include compassion, courage, empathy, humility, integrity, mercy, openness, respect, self-control, trust, wisdom, and love. It is vital that you return to your values as they are the most faithful, reliable, and effective guides and companions to you.

Step 4: Set the stage

Setting the stage includes knowing how and when to deliver your message. Delivery might include the style and timing of your message, and is just important as the content of what you say. Start by building self-awareness of your natural communication style: your natural pace, volume, style of your voice, nonverbal communication habits, and what cultural backgrounds influence your communication style. Some openers for conversation might include:

• I’m not exactly sure how to say this…
  (core values: courage, humility)
• I hope you will consider taking a risk with me in sharing this…
  (core values: hope, courage, bravery).
• I’d like to explore doing something different here and would love for you to join me…
  (core value: curiosity)
• I’d like to offer my personal perspective here, and I hope you will hear me out…
  (core values: curiosity, creativity, hope).
• I’m not sure I have the right words for what I’m feeling, but I’m going to try. Thanks for bearing with me…
  (core values: courage, trust, humility).

Step 5: Take action (why, my, ask)

Make sure you understand the context and the person with whom you will be speaking. There are three essential components to ensure the success of any action: why this person(s), my experience, and the ask (abbreviated: why, me, ask).

• Why: This is an important component in that it communicates and highlights the connection between those involved. You may notice that prioritizing the relationship in any constructive conversation very much aligns with the importance of values. For example, maybe the nature and quality of the connection between you and the other person is one that is reflected by values such as love, gratitude, respect, or curiosity (e.g. “Tim, I am reaching out to you because you are an esteemed colleague and I respect you very much”).
   
• Me: This component involves your specific experiences – your thoughts, feelings, or concerns. What about your particular experiences do you want to share with the other person? Maybe that their prejudicial behavior hurt you; or how their notable silence made you both angry and sad when you most needed an ally. This component can and most likely will feel intimidating and nerve-racking to share your truth with someone who does not already see it (e.g. “Tim, I am feeling quite confused and disappointed about your decision to reject the qualified Muslim applicant, especially since we were tasked with helping to diversify our staff”).
   
• Ask: Since you are planning to have a conversation and not a monologue, you must clearly communicate what you are hoping to achieve by starting the conversation. Certainly there will be the pull to tell the person off, correct them, criticize them, teach them, and just be done after you’ve shared your piece. However, that would not be a constructive conversation – a constructive conversation involves respectfully sharing your experiences and listening sincerely as a deliberate intention to engage in mutual dialogue (e.g. “Tim, I would appreciate very much having an honest conversation with you about all of this. This is important to me, and I know it’s important to you. I want to figure out how we can better understand each other and work through this”).

Step 6: Invite, listen, and process the receiver’s response

Congratulations on making it this far. This step involves giving your full, undivided attention to the other person. This might include maintaining eye contact, turning your body toward and slightly leaning in to hear them, monitoring your face and body language, offering occasional signs of tracking the conversation (e.g. a nod), and minimizing distractions. Be careful to observe if you interrupt, and identify the intention of the other person. Notice what language they use, what their intentions might be, and what their underlying emotions could be.

Step 7: Acknowledge, reflect, and respond to the receiver’s reactions

When it comes time for you to respond, remember your values. In this step of the conversation you might find it helpful to use “I” statements, share the impact of their words on your experience, and to look for and highlight the value of your relationship. Be cautious of using statements such as “You made me feel/it’s because of you,” and try your best not to share your reactive feelings often of anger or outrage. Be wary also of rejecting or invalidating the speaker’s response. You might reflect back to the other person what you heard, and include a statement about what you hope for moving forward in your relationship with this person. (e.g. “Tim, I heard you say that you are worried that hiring a Muslim applicant would go against your personal values; is that right? I’m anxious to admit that I still don’t fully understand. To hear that you don’t support prioritizing diversity and inclusion in our organization feels personally surprising and very disappointing. However, because this is clearly important to both of us, I would like to take time to think more about what you shared. I hope we can connect again to better understand each other and clarify any further misunderstandings, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective”).

Step 8: Rinse and repeat

To be clear, while these conversations are pivotal, it does not mean that you should be having them all the time. The mere thought of constantly having such conversations is exhausting as well as unrealistic. There may also many reasons not to engage, such as a history of abuse, trauma, or violence with a particular person, for example. However, the goal of the model is to provide a pathway for broaching and not avoiding difficult conversations; to not be afraid of having them. And knowledge of a way to engage in such conversations is one way of managing the fear and anxiety that can come with having them. After your difficult conversation, be sure to take time for yourself to process your feelings and manage them appropriately by talking to a friend, going for a walk, or simply taking some time to listen to music.

While having difficult conversations can be provoking, they may go a long way in addressing the pain we often endure when we find ourselves holding in the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs we hope to express, share, and talk about with others.