“I want to work on communicating better with my partner/s” is not an uncommon phrase to pass through the minds of those in romantic relationships. Unfortunately, “better” is vague, and “communication” can be a very subjective and nebulous term. For some relationships, there may be plenty of talking going on, but you still feel like you aren’t being heard. For others, the challenge comes from breakdowns in communication during conflict. And for some, the daily rigors of school, work, family, and social lives have led to the feeling like your partner/s don’t really understand who you are anymore. Whether you’re in something more serious or casual, satisfied or looking to refine, here are some broad tips and suggestions on improving communication in the relationship.

We aren’t great at thinking about our own perspective and engaging in active listening at the same time. Make a point of setting aside your own thoughts for a moment to intentionally hear what your partner is trying to say.

• Ask questions that help to deepen your understanding of their point-of-view. Don’t be afraid to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they might be feeling.
• Check in to see if you’re interpreting their words as they intended. This can help to avoid the miscommunication that you often see towards the end of romantic comedies.
• Don’t try to fix while you are listening. This can often inadvertently come across as invalidating if you try to move to a solution too quickly.
• Make sure that you have the space to process your thoughts and feelings as well.

Disagreements and conflicts are a normal part of relationships. You can’t expect to perfectly align with your partner/s choices and views. And that’s okay!

• Use the strategies above to try and build mutual understanding before moving onto solutions. Remember that you’re a team and “winning” only happens when all parties are satisfied and feel heard/represented.
• Take a break if you feel emotionally overwhelmed, or like no progress is being made. Sometimes a little pause can help bring thoughts into clarity. Make a plan to return to the topic once everyone feels less overwhelmed.
• If your outcome involves compromise, think of it more as a living agreement than permanent solution. Be flexible to coming back to the compromise and amending details after trial and error.

Don’t forget about the fun stuff too!

• Friendship is an important aspect of relationship maintenance. That appreciation can turn the tide in times of stress or disagreement, serving as a reminder of support and a rationale for seeking resolution. Even amidst the deadlines and responsibilities, seek to dedicate time for fun with your partner/s.
• Regularly find time to talk about your dreams and goals. Sometimes, especially during school and through transitional phases, our values can shift and our partners won’t always pick up on it, especially if we don’t explicitly state it. Talking about these changes can help to prevent drifting.
• If you have kiddos in the picture, make time for your partner/s beyond family time. Spending time as a family unit is special and important, but it doesn’t replace your relationship with your partner/s.

If you find that you’re still struggling to improve communication in your relationship, OU HSC Student Counseling Services offers relationship counseling. To learn more, you can call us at 405-271-7336 or via email at counselors@ouhsc.edu Monday – Friday, 8am to 5pm. To protect your confidentiality, please limit your email messages to scheduling inquiries. We are located in Suite 300 in the David L. Boren Student Union if you would like to chat or are