The aftermath of a pandemic on relationships lasts long after society re-opens and communities gradually begin to rebuild. Just when you thought you had successfully weathered the stress of lockdown, shelter-in-place, and cabin fever on your relationships, you realize that maybe you are not out of the woods yet. In China, after the wave of recovery from Covid-19, there was an increase in divorce and uncoupling rates. Many wondered if this was an ominous warning for relationships in the United States post Covid-19.
Surprisingly, a recent survey from Monmouth University shows that some relationships are actually thriving in the midst of the pandemic. This survey was conducted with a sample of 556 American adults in relationships. Among Americans who are currently married, living with their partners, or otherwise in committed relationships, 59% report being extremely satisfied with their relationships, 33% say they are very satisfied, while 4% report being somewhat satisfied. Despite the immediate and long-term stressors, about 74% say their relationships have not fundamentally changed since the pandemic, and about 51% say they expect their relationships to emerge stronger in the aftermath of the pandemic. These numbers come amidst news of increase in relationship conflicts and intimate partner violence during the pandemic. It makes one wonder what is different about the relationships that weather the storms and those that do not survive.
Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a professor at Monmouth University, attributed the resiliency in relationships post pandemic to two things: Supportive presence and optimism. The fact that many partners turn to one another for support and stability in times when the world feels so uncertain only helps to reinforce the connections and bonds shared. Being present and able to provide support for one another through the worst augurs well for most relationships. Further, optimism instills hope, and hope helps relationships weather “life’s rough patches better.”
You may be reading this and thinking your relationships might be missing the optimism and resilience alluded to in this survey. Or maybe you have been bombarded with conflicts, you are shell-shocked, and unsure of how to effectively process or repair recent fights. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute and world renowned psychologists and researchers on relationship health, identified several steps to take in having an effective repair conversation to repair ruptures in relationships in the aftermath of a fight.
- Share your feelings – without being defensive or trying to counter arguments about your partners’ feelings. Be open about expressing how you feel from a genuine desire to be heard
- Take turns describing your subjective realities – describe only what you saw, heard, or felt and not your assumptions of your partners’ meanings or feelings – the goal is to communicate for understanding. To facilitate this understanding, take turns to summarize and validate one another’s realities with empathy.
- Share the experiences or memories you have that may have escalated the interactions and stories about why these were triggers for you.
- Acknowledge your own role and responsibility in contributing to the fight
- Come up with constructive plans and identify ways in which you can make it better for one another next time.
Remember the goal is not to be right but to foster understanding and deepen connections, even in the aftermath of a fight…or a pandemic.