“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity." ~Albert Einstein
Whether you’ve spent the past two months together with your partner 24/7 or apart, you may be wondering why you even chose this person in the first place. It’s no secret that when we’re stressed, we sometimes become withdrawn, less affectionate, or even argumentative. Which leads to more stress, more withdrawal, more arguing, and less affection, particularly now when the person on whom we rely to support us emotionally may be the target of our wrath simply by their constant presence or lack thereof. However, rather than point out and fight about all the little things that get on each other’s nerves, couples will be better served to practice gratitude and appreciation for their significant others. Appreciating our partners, in word and deed, builds respect and trust – two core components for a strong foundation. Research shows that couples who practice gratitude towards one another become more committed to each other, and commitment towards the relationship can help couples weather any storm.
So what do we mean by gratitude? Simply put, being thankful – able and willing to give and receive kindness. We may show it through active listening and physical touch. When we actively listen, we give our partner our full attention, we make eye contact, we really listen and thoughtfully respond. However, if you are struggling to be present during these conversations, fear not, the Gottman Institute has you covered with exercises to build fondness and admiration. One exercise they recommend is titled, “I Appreciate…” which can be found here. This exercise helps you revive long buried positive feelings for your partner by identifying at least 3 characteristics they possess and describing a memory associated with that quality. After you have completed your list, share it with your partner, tell them face to face what it is you appreciate.
Another exercise to try is “A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration” which can be found here. This exercise literally helps you accentuate the positive to eliminiate the negative when it comes to thinking about your partner. It includes a daily thought and task prompt for each day of the week for seven weeks and requires you to engage in the prompt several times a day while you are away from your partner, regardless of how you feel in the moment. Thus, the key to this exercise is getting you to think positively about your partner on a daily basis, rather than focusing on the negative. Afterall, we do believe what we tell ourselves.
While it may seem difficult to make these changes right now, it’s the perfect opportunity to remember aspects of your relationship that made it a relationship in the first place!