Conflict is normal in every relationship although not all conflict is created equal. Conflict can provide a space for an individual to increase understanding, trust, and positive connection. Contrarily, when conflict becomes negative, frustration, conflict, isolation, withdrawal, and negative interpretation follow. The next four relationship blog posts will take a deeper dive into Dr. Gottman’s research on the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Before we get started, let's debunk the myth that happy couples do not experience the four horsemen. ALL couples will experience some of the four horsemen but today we will focus on the most common, criticism. Criticism is focused on your partner(s) character or personality flaws rather than on what you would like them to do differently. When we focus the issue on the other person, it implies that there is something wrong with your partner(s) or their personality. Criticism is commonly viewed as an attack that can look like blaming or name-calling.
An example of what criticism might look like is: “You are always worrying about yourself. You never care about what I have to say” or “You said you would take out the trash and it’s still sitting here… You never do what you say you will.” As you can imagine, this typically leads to the other person(people) feeling hurt.
So how do we fix it? The opposite of criticism is using a gentle startup and asking for a specific behavior change utilizing I feel statements, providing clear direction, and expressing your needs politely. Example: “I feel upset that you left the dirty dishes on the counter. I would appreciate it if you would please clean the kitchen prior to going to bed every night.”
Once you nail this down, it is also important to validate and give appreciation when your partner(s) have done what you wanted. For example: “It felt so great to wake up to a clean house on Tuesday. Thank you for your help!”
Overall, utilizing I feel statements, providing clear direction, and expressing your needs politely will aid in moving towards a gentle startup and away from criticism.