Many couples struggle to maintain romance and connection as time goes on. Opportunities to improve romantic connection with your partner may be more reasonable than you’d think.
Research by relationship specialists such as Bill Doherty, professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at the University of Minnesota, and Dr. John Gottman, author of the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, offer sensible ideas for how to strengthen committed relationships. Doherty elucidates that the natural tendency of committed relationships is for communication, appreciation, romance, and affection to decline over time, not due to a growing dislike of each other, but rather they become too comfortable together. Doherty emphasizes the importance of having an approach to stay content in a committed relationship. His major phrase is “the intentional couple,” by which he means partnered individuals need to be aware of their actions, and need to have a plan for cultivating the positive aspects of their committed relationship.
Enduring love is nurtured by small, everyday moments of connection, according to psychologist Dr. John Gottman of the famed “Love Lab.” Time is an adversary for couples with hectic schedules. However, Dr. Gottman highlights that time spent in routine positive interactions with your partner is essential. Gottman writes how couples are “continually making bids for each other’s attention—introducing a conversation topic, implicitly asking a favor, etc.—and the most successful couples are the ones who continually ‘turn toward’ their partners.” In other words, successful couples say yes to each other’s requests for interaction, attention, and indeed, love. These ordinary daily exchanges help to form a reservoir of love and trust, Dr. Gottman states.
Rituals of connection are an important method for fruitful relationships and a way of habitually turning towards your partner that can be relied upon. Such rituals are everyday activities or traditions that you share as a couple, which function to reinforce your relational bond. Rituals of connection can look like enjoying coffee together every morning or saying goodnight every evening. Couples with relationships abundant in rituals, habits, or customs will be better equipped to circumvent the trap of taking each other for granted and will preserve and nurture the positive elements of the relationship over time.
Here are three important rituals that can help prevent you and your partner from losing appreciation for each other and drifting apart over time.
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Schedule two minutes of daily undistracted communication. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown than two minutes of undistracted communication can be more meaningful than sharing an entire distracted week together as a couple. Consider a realistic time of the day that you and your partner could schedule this ritual.
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Implement a daily appreciation ritual. According to Gottman, many couples veer towards taking each other for granted quite quickly, and will even progressively concentrate more on trivial shortcomings of the other, all the while ceasing to recognize the positive aspects of their partner. Research indicates that intentionally acknowledging and expressing gratitude for the big and small things your partner does goes a long way.
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Establish a daily habit of reunion. According to Doherty, the most significant moment in your committed relationship is when you reunite after being apart and how you greet each other. Doherty states that individuals are more likely to look forward to seeing their partner if they consistently greet each other with warmth. This excitement evaporates when couples are inconsistent with how they greet each other. Furthermore, one can even become fearful of seeing their partner if a previous reunion involved criticism.
Never undervalue the significance of intentional time spent with your partner. Forming daily or weekly rituals of connection will foster a sense of shared meaning and purpose within a relationship. Schedule time to be together to do fun activities that you both enjoy. Sharing jokes, watching funny films, or anything else that gives you both pleasure can spark passion and sustain connection. In order to preserve one’s committed relationship, research suggests that couples need to mutually commit to regularly spending quality time together.
Dr. John Gottman proposes that couples pledge to six hours a week together, which entails rituals for saying farewell in the morning and reuniting at the end of the day. Committing to these rituals will support you to reconnect with your partner whenever life gets in the way.
The Gottman Institute’s blog is an excellent resource if you would like more information.