People have a strong desire to be seen as good. This desire fuels a lifetime of impression management as we want to be perceived as likeable and acceptable. Personally, I wonder how often this desire to preserve ourselves as “acceptable” becomes a roadblock to individual, humanistic growth. If we are honest with ourselves, many would acknowledge impression management makes it rather difficult to be open to listening. Actively listening requires a willingness to hear something new; an idea, belief, or experience that might be different from our own. Something thought-provoking. Maybe even something that challenges your very own perception of yourself.
So often people respond defensively to the testimonies, perspectives, and demands of the Black and Indigenous communities, deny that Asian identities are subject to racism at all, or choose to hide from the topic altogether. Now more than ever, it takes an intentional amount of energy to avoid the topic of racial injustice. What would it be like to redirect that energy into a vulnerable space of focusing on whomever is sharing and practice empathy?
How to Actively Listen:
- Pay Attention. Visualize what’s being said and focus on the speaker.
- Withhold deciding if you agree or disagree. The speaker is sharing an experience with you. Listen without judgement or thinking about what you want to say in response.
- Reflect on the emotions being shared with you.
- Ask for clarification if there are terms or aspects you do not understand.
- Summarize what is being shared with you. Doing so requires vulnerability, but allows the speaker to affirm if you are understanding.
- Do not interrupt & ignore distractions.
Change does not happen in a community that covers their ears. Allies move past the desire to be defensive, and accept the opportunity to live in a moment of vulnerability. For the several minutes of insecurity one experiences listening or engaging in a discussion about racism is nothing compared to the lifetime of vulnerability and discomfort our Black, Indigenous, Asian, and Latinx communities have endured simply on the basis of their skin color. Put aside the desire to manage how you, or how others who look like you, are perceived. Listen and be willing to grow. This is the first step towards peace, healing, and social justice.
DISCLAIMER:
It is advised you NOT ask your peers to “explain” their experiences or opinions of losses like Mr. George Floyd unless they volunteer to do so. There are numerous resources available to you that do not require asking someone to speak about something they may not feel comfortable talking about.
For further opportunity to learn, please refer to The Office of Diversity & Inclusion’s Diversity Ally series addressing Racism, Sexism, Ableism, and Classism.