written by Christina Graziano, M.S.
Attachment theory focuses on psychological bonds in relationships and suggests that connections with primary caregivers serves as a guide for how we behave in other relationships, including friendships, partners, and our own future children. Our style of attachment impacts our feelings of security, meaning, and ability to build and sustain connection with others. According to research, there are four attachment styles:
Secure Attachment Style: In this attachment style, the caregiver responds to the child’s needs in a positive, consistent, and reliable manner. This type of response sends the general message that people are trustworthy and supportive. Those raised in this environment become trusting, empathetic, and responsive towards others. These individuals can easily forgive, set appropriate boundaries, and honor their own and their partner’s independence. As a result, these individuals possess a healthy view of themselves, are attuned to their emotions, and voice their wants and needs to significant others. These individuals are comfortable with intimacy and not overly preoccupied with their relationship or worried about rejection. Overall, the secure attachment style involves low levels of avoidance and low levels of anxiety.
General Attitude: “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style: As its name suggests, this attachment style involves caregivers who are distant, detached, and disregard the child’s needs. In response, the child assumes their needs will not be met and often gives up trying to express their needs. As adults, these individuals pride themselves on being extremely independent and act this way to avoid potential rejection or a perception of being weak. Individuals with this style are uncomfortable with closeness and do not trust others easily. These individuals are emotionally distant, not only uncomfortable with expressing their own needs, but also dismissive or unresponsive to the needs of significant others. Overall, the avoidant attachment style involves high levels of avoidance and low levels of anxiety.
General Attitude: “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style: This caregiver responds inconsistently to the child; sometimes positively responding to their needs and other times ignoring their needs. As a result, the child becomes worried and uncertain about whether their needs will be met. In adulthood, their needs tend to frequently change, and they expect their partners to anticipate and meet these needs. These individuals fear abandonment and are often preoccupied with their relationships, which can lead to jealous, possessive, controlling, or attention seeking behavior. As a result, these individuals may possess features of codependence and insecurity. Overall, the anxious attachment style involves low levels of avoidance and high levels of anxiety.
General Attitude: “I want to be extremely emotionally close with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.”
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: This caregiver often responds to the child’s needs with aggression or hostility, causing the child to view other people as threatening and unsafe. Consequently, the child becomes confused in relationships and view themselves as undeserving of love and support. As adults, these individuals have difficulty with trust, lack empathy towards others, and are worried about their partner’s commitment. These individuals engage in a push/pull dynamic, sometimes wanting intimacy and other times not wanting intimacy. These individuals struggle to understand their emotions and downplay the importance of relationships. Overall, the disorganized attachment style involves high levels of avoidance and high levels of anxiety.
General Attitude: “I am uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”
Attachment styles learned through childhood can change.
When we enter relationships, each partner brings their own unresolved needs or fears. Partners often have different attachment styles, which guides their beliefs and behaviors within the relationship. To work towards a secure attachment style within your relationships, try engaging in some of these strategies:
- Explore your own attachment style. Take a quiz here: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
- Watch for avoidance and anxiety responses within your relationship.
- Communicate more openly and directly about needs and fears.
- Check out our past article about difficult conversations: https://students.ouhsc.edu/Current-Students/Student-Wellbeing/Student-Wellness/Wellness-Articles/how-to-have-difficult-conversations)
- Learn more about attachment theory in general:
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
- Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin
- TedTalk: Put on Your Attachment Hat & Change your Romantic Attachment Style -- Ashley Harvey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHpdf4ekrXM
Additionally, if you feel you could benefit from professional counseling, contact OU HSC Counseling Services at 405-271-7336 or counselors@ouhsc.edu. To protect your confidentiality, please limit your e-mail messages to scheduling information. You can also find us in Suite 300 in the HSC Student Union. Come by Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and speak with our administrative assistant about making an appointment